The colour of grief

I feel like I've just returned from battle. This eclipse season, the first of the year has been powerful for me.

It's been one of the hardest times I've been through in a long time and I've had to step back from a lot of things including here.

I asked this eclipse season and my moon time to process grief from my marriage that ended mid-last year, and boy... it has been big.

I met with parts of myself that I couldn't believe were mine, ones that if I had seen in other's I may have walked the other direction.

I found my grief and felt every colour of it, it was like riding a roller coaster of twisted knots, there was no structure to it and it showed me the potential that this could go on forever.. but then it would take a sharp turn into a direction I didn't see coming and it felt like I was swallowing water when I needed air.

I kept telling myself that I had been preparing for this with the work I had done, and I'm sure it helped, but in those dark moments I had nothing to hold onto and many times I fell through space and became untethered.

I don't know exactly what it was that brought me back, but I did promise myself that no matter how hard it got that I would feel it all, every uncomfortable thing that I would usually run from.

Many times I felt empty or that I wouldn't be able to come back from this.

But what I think I am understanding in this is that I was being hollowed out.

The feelings I had to process were being fully felt and experienced that had previously been held back.

And they were being released as they were felt.

Because now that this storm has passed, the places where I felt shame, rejection, rage, despair, betrayal is now quiet, and oddly enough full with something else that is more to do with love and the gravity of my Soul.